The first time was a balls-out, no quibbles, total wipeout of a dumping.
On the next occasion, my ex started to dump me only to bottle it half way through, and I had to finish us off.
As day follows night, as one plus one is two, being dumped hurts. A lot. More than when you catch your arm on the oven, more than root canal, more than being punched in the tit.
I have been both Dumper and Dumpee. Being the Dumper is very unpleasant because no non-psychopathic person enjoys hurting someone they do/did care about.
But no amount of self-pity stacks up against the shock, fear and heartache that churn in your stomach when you are rejected.
There are good ways to end a relationship and bad ways to end a relationship.
Bad ways include novelty chocolate bars (subtext: get diabetes, die alone) text messages and that old classic: Hoping They’ll Just Get It.
The good ways won’t staunch the pain but they will make the best out of a god-awful situation.
If you are considering ending your relationship, here are some strategies to consider.
Be brutal
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Otherwise entitled ‘be clear and consistent’ but let’s not mess around.
It might make you feel better, especially if you aren’t 100% sold on the break up yourself, but vague language will make it worse for both of you in the long run.
Yes to: No, we are not going to get back together.
And:
No, we can’t just have a break.
But no to: I’m not feeling it now but let’s give it three months because I might have a sudden and inexplicable change of heart.
Be specific
Hit the target (Picture: Giphy)
‘I think we want different things’ is not a reason to break up with someone. It means diddly-squat.
‘We want different things’ is code for ‘you want to have sex with me but I want to have sex with other people’ – which technically is a reason to break up with someone.
‘I want to have children and buy a house and a Volkswagen but I think you would like to keep exploring,’ is an OK reason and will make you appear to be a decent human person.
Be discreet
My half-dumping took place on the steps of Liverpool Street Station. Even the pigeons could see what was happening and then I had to travel 10 tube stops home covered in snot, tears, mascara and self-loathing.
Do your partner the decency of dumping them in private, and don’t post it on Facebook – let them tell other humans/pigeons in their own time.
Be strong
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As a Dumper, you do not get to cry. Only the Dumpee gets to cry.
You can get pizza and vodka and throw yourself a post-break-up pity party later.
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